I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
