Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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