I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
