our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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