So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
