I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
