My liver just broke up with me...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
