I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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