I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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