my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
