just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
