he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Randomize
