So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
