i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
