I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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