Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
