it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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