The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
