Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
