I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
