I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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