I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
