you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
