I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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