Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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