I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
