dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
