And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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