My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
