i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
