ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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