Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
