Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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