I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
