omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
