I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
