8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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