i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Randomize
