I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
