Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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