god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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