did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
