The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
