You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
