im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
