How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
