Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
