my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
