when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
