He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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